In a matter of two months, four among my closest girl friends declared that their marital status are on the rocks and took a slow drive towards a dead end. Sad. It isn’t the first time that I was approached for an advise regarding a friend’s shaky marital situation. I am not some expert psychologist, nor a marriage counselor or even a love expert as I only had 2 serious relationships with men. First was my high school classmate-turned long-time boyfriend-first husband who biologically fathers my children. Second is current dear husband-WCW-beloved daddy to my kids. I am incredibly, undeniably head over heels in love and happily married now. Hearing the stories from these friends, I couldn’t help but look back to my self before I made such a serious decision of calling it quits. As much as I wanted to forget the feeling of pain, betrayal and rejection which seems to keep coming back every time I get reminded with friends that are struggling the same path of marital bliss. I just felt the need to hold their hand and help them get through it.
How did you do it?- they asked me.
Yeah, how exactly did I do it? – I asked myself too.
I have already moved on obviously and answering the question comes easy this time when it was a struggle and was so difficult to utter even single word back then.
Among lots of reasons, excuses and explanations, this is how I summarized the answer after thousands of times thinking it over and countless mind-debates of the pros and cons:
“I love myself more and I need to keep loving myself because if I don’t, then I don’t think I will be successful loving somebody back. I chose to be happy and this is not the man who I thought will make me feel that way. I felt alone even more compared to when I was still single. The constant financial problems and the bills of unpaid loans piling up is a wake-up call. I can’t find the sense of responsibility, trust and respect which I value much in a relationship. Communication is nowhere to be found”
With different ways of expressing such thought, and after trying thousands of ways listed to patch it up and fix it, I finally made up my mind and put some sense to the situation. There is only one way to end the sacrifice. I called it quits.
I am not promoting separation, divorce or annulment. Don’t get me wrong. I admire the courage of my two girl friends who bravely face the realization and packed their bags. Pain? Oh I know it is unbearable! Like me, they hope that in time, the wounds will heal and the scars will make them a better person and better parents. For the other two of my friends who still is in the stage of denial, I pray for their strength, they need it in many sorts of way. Most specially, may their common sense be found and once again rule, they seem to drop it somewhere. I am writing based on a woman’s perspective. A male blogger can also write based on a husband’s perspective but not on this post. Which means. I am addressing to the wives out there who are helplessly struggling against their worthless, immature, insensitive and irresponsible husbands. Once again, not talking in general but if the shoe fits, then wear it baby!
How to tell that marriage is heading to a dead end?
1. Couples turned UN-COUPLED- it simply means, both don’t spend time together anymore. Long distance relationship is not an excuse. The new technology offered lots of ways to connect and spend time. The airline companies even gave families a chance of spending time together because promo fares are now popular. Holidays are supposed to be family time too. When family gatherings are spent with the absent husband and much worse if the wife will make excuses in his defense. If there is the will, there is also a way.
2. LOVE BANK ACCOUNT IS EMPTY- married couples are responsible of each other. Others may choose to have separate bank accounts which is fine. Basically, a HUSBAND is responsible for the welfare of the family. If one can remember, the arrhae is handed from the husband to the wife during the wedding rights and with it comes the promise “Accept this arrhae as a symbol of my support and responsibility to your welfare and to our children on this day forward, till death do us part.” Circumstances may vary if both are working and with salaries. Either way, a husband simply has to provide everything. No questions asked. If a husband is oblivious of his duties financially, one should wonder what will happen to the future of the family, much more to the children. If the husband is financially struggling, the wife should too. If the wife is the only one struggling financially and the earning husband seems to be in a pretty good shape, then it is about time the wife needs to apply some sense. Serious one. As experienced, every time the need to spend means to seek for a loan, and every unpaid important bills piled up is always a wake up call.
3. No sex, No intimacy – Men in general are horny individuals. I don’t think I need to elaborate the issue about making love, specially to the couples with children. You can’t shop for your children from a grocery store if there is no rolling in the sack involved. If husband is not doing it with his wife, then he must be doing it with someone else. For couples that are far from each other, sex should be great whenever they get the chance to. I agree that sex life isn’t always a reason to end a relationship. Health is considered too but if you have no love life to speak of, then you probably aren’t connecting on an intimate emotional and physical level. The less you connect, the less healthy your relationship is…and the more likely your spouse is ending the relationship.
4. WRONG WAY OF FIGHT – Fights and arguments are normal. If your husband knows how to make friends with you when you’re mad and furious and both of you knows how to find ways to resolve situations, then it means that your points of views are well taken cared of. If you can’t focus on the topic of your argument, opting instead to bring up past mistakes or reopen old wounds, then your marriage may be leaning towards “over.” The more past conflicts come into current arguments, the less healthy your marriage is. If a spouse isn’t willing to try, it is more likely interested in ending the relationship. Love means you never have to say you are sorry. If saying sorry doesn’t feel good but was done only to pacify the other, then respect and trust is already in question.
5. No longer a team – A wife can never be herself without the husband and vise versa. Wedding days are called the day when two people became one. At the end of a long and tiring day, your spouse is supposed to be the one to makes you feel better. The person who will always make you smile and laugh and shares private jokes with. The person who will ask you how your day went by and will tell you that you still look beautiful even if you feel like your not. The person who will always ask your opinion before making a decision. The person who never blames you if you did something wrong but instead shares with you the guilt feeling. The person who will feel happy even with the sound of your voice, much more look into your eyes. If the husband in question is starting to become a different person from what is mentioned above, then it is surely a sign that you are no longer a team.
6. COMMUNICATION is disconnected. – No problem in a marriage can be solved without open, honest communication. If you’ve reached a point where all you ever talk about is mundane things, like who needs to buy milk, or whose turn it is to pay the bills then you’re in trouble. Lack of personal, intimate exchange in a marriage is a very bad sign, especially if you need to talk to other people to solve issues other than to talk to your partner. One way communication is also as good as no communication at all. One way communication happens when only one spouse tried to reach out to the other, if only one spouse tend to open topics, if both uses their children to tell the other what the other spouse needs to know and if one spouse refuses to talk at all.
If signs mentioned above looks familiar or better yet, actually happening inside the relationship, then I suggest that practicality has to be applied. Not unless, the wife in suffering enjoys the disrespectful treatment. Deciding to end marriage is a crucial and difficult step specially if children are involved. But, not doing anything about it will lead you to nowhere except more heartaches, more rejection and more pain.
Some things are not meant to be. A person just needs to accept that. Love in marriage is described as unconditional love. No boundaries, no buts, no ifs. I admire the old couple who stayed together over the years. Who doesn’t want to grow old with the person you love? One thing I am sure of is that, married life is a life worth living, regardless of its ups and downs because nothing is impossible when you live your life with the one you love- TOGETHER.